There’s One Born Every Minute



Mary and I went to the movies a couple of nights ago. We saw Sully.  It was a good movie.  You should see it.

I still love seeing a great movie in the theatre, but it’s hard to find a good one these days. You have to spot them among the zombies, axe murderers, natural catastrophes and other drivel.

We have a ten-movie multiplex theatre in St. Joseph.  You’d think that more than one in ten good movies could be found in any given week, and you’d mostly be wrong.  Here’s a sampling of new movies from two days ago:

The Disappointments Room

Synopsis:  A mother and her young son release unimaginable horrors from the attic of their rural dream home.

Mary and I went into our attic recently for the first time in twenty years.  We released unimaginable horrors, but we had to carry them out to the curb for the trash guys. I don’t need to spend twenty bucks for a ticket and forty more on food just to see a rehash of that nightmare.

The Wild Life

Synopsis:  Stranded sailor Robinson Crusoe unites with a group of quirky animals to foil two conniving cats.

One, it’s a cartoon.  Two, I’ve read Robinson Crusoe and three, I don’t like cats at all.  Most of them are conniving, so what is so special here?

When The Bough Breaks

Synopsis:  John and Laura Taylor desperately want a baby. After exhausting all other options, they finally hire Anna to be their surrogate – but as she gets further along in her pregnancy, so too does her psychotic and dangerous fixation on the husband.

I don’t know about you, but I know how babies get made.  So after reading the synopsis, I’m wondering if they didn’t have an inkling of how this would end.  I’m a father.  I can tell you for certain that pregnancy causes psychotic stuff.  It’s everything I can do to keep psychotic and dangerous fixations out of my life.  Why would I want to watch someone else’s?


Synopsis: Scientists at a secret facility find themselves in a lockdown with a violent bioengineered child.

Seriously?  Let’s say you are a scientist.  And you work at a secret facility, where you’ve helped to create, oh, let’s say a bioengineered child.  A violent one.  What do you figure are your odds of needing a lockdown in the very near future? I mean, really.  Think ahead, take a personal day and steer clear of what is obviously going to happen.  Avoid the whole thing.  That’s what I did.

Don’t Breathe 

Synopsis:  A group of friends break into the house of a wealthy blind man, thinking they’ll get away with the perfect heist. They’re wrong.

It says “Horror/Suspense/Thriller” so I can only guess at what happens.  Maybe I’m wrong, maybe my moral compass is no longer functioning, but aren’t they wrong to break in to anybody’s house?  You break into my house, I won’t be wealthy, but I’ll be in a blind rage.

Sausage Party 

Synopsis: Frank the sausage and his supermarket pals try to save themselves from becoming a meal.

This happens every two nights at my house.  I don’t want to feel sorry for my food.  That happened to me with Bambi and it’s not happening again.

Suicide Squad

Synopsis: A secret government agency recruits imprisoned super-villains to execute dangerous black ops missions in exchange for clemency.

Do you ever imagine the meetings where they think these things up?  Seated around the table with their FitBits and Monster drinks, texting their BFF and some dweeze says, “Uhhhhhh ok I got it. We could have super-villains executing black ops in exchange for clemency…???”  I want to be the guy who slams his hand on the table and says “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should!”  And then come around the table and start kicking him continuously until he crawls out of the room.

Bad Moms

Synopsis: When three overworked and under-appreciated moms are pushed beyond their limits, they ditch their conventional responsibilities for a jolt of long overdue freedom, fun, and comedic self-indulgence.

I’ve never met a mom who wasn’t overworked. under-appreciated and pushed beyond her limits. So is this what they all ought to do?  Message for moms under 30:  This is what you do so that when you’re fifty, you’ll be well-balanced and just glad to be alive.  Don’t see this movie, because I’m certain it’s a bad idea.

Isn’t real life scary enough?  Do we not have enough trials and tribulations already?  Do we need to capitulate to the highway robbery of a ticket price and a soft drink to soak in a little more mindless garbage? If P.T. Barnum were alive, he’d say “I had no idea the game could be so magnificently played.”

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