Every so often, I do bad movie reviews. My reviews aren’t bad, but the movies are. My reviews are different from most others because I review them before I see them. This is to help both you and me avoid the bad ones. Now you might say that a guy who is going to review movies ought to see them first. I say it seems pointless to me to read a synopsis of a movie, realize it’s probably bad and then compound the error by watching it.
Here are some movies that are probably bad and currently available in my hometown. If you still want to see them after reading this, then, well, you like bad movies and should be shunned and forced to wear a scarlet M sewn to your shirt. Other than that, you’re probably fine. Here they are:
Synopsis: A woman becomes increasingly unhinged after meeting her ex-husband’s fiancée.
Well, this is certainly nothing new. I have to ask: if your neighbor was becoming increasingly unhinged after meeting her ex-husband’s fiancée, would you want to watch that? I’d rather have a root canal.
The Fate Of The Furious
Synopsis: The next installment in the franchise.
Seriously, that’s what the synopsis said. There’s an old writing rule about not saying too much. Whoever wrote this synopsis should break that rule. I don’t know what the franchise is. I don’t know what happened in the other installments. I won’t be remembering what happens in this one.
Going In Style
Synopsis: Lifelong buddies Willie, Joe and Al decide to buck retirement and step off the straight-and-narrow for the first time in their lives when their pension fund becomes a corporate casualty.
The plot seems silly and it probably is. It stars Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine and Alan Arkin. That evens the score. This is probably a movie I’d enjoy once and never watch again.
Smurfs: The Lost Village
Synopsis: The Smurfs embark on a journey through the Forbidden Forest to find a mysterious village.
First, it’s a cartoon. Second, you can talk to me till you’re blue in the face, but I’m old and have limited time. I’m not watching Smurfs do anything.
The Boss Baby
Synopsis: The Boss Baby is a hilariously universal story about how a new baby’s arrival impacts a family, told from the point of view of a delightfully unreliable narrator, a wildly imaginative 7 year old named Tim.
I am going to guess that this one’s for young mothers. I don’t know about you, but I already have too many young people telling me how life works. It’s a cartoon. And so is the movie.
Everyone should avoid the movie theater this week and do something more pleasurable. Schedule that root canal, for example.