If you don’t know what dog maching is, welcome to the club.  What I can tell you is that my old buddy Joe The Dog has some annoying habits.  He either likes our visitors or he doesn’t.  If he doesn’t like them, he begins to bark and growl the moment he hears the doorbell.  On the other hand, if he likes them, he seems to think it’s all right to invade their space and smell them in places I don’t want to describe.

I’m a good dog trainer.  I can teach a dog to do almost anything.  I can teach a dog to not do things.  With Joe, however, I may have met my match.  I would swear he knows what I’m doing and is choosing to annoy me.

A week or two ago, I decided to try a different approach.  I purchased a device online that emits an ultrasonic noise, which is apparently unpleasant to dogs. In other words, I’m going to annoy him when he chooses to annoy me.

The device arrived the other day.  It’s pretty simple:  Put a battery in it, choose between two different levels of dog annoyance, then use it sparingly to be effective.  It even has a built-in flashlight.  I guess that’s so you can annoy your dog at night.

That’s not why I wrote this column today.  I received the device the other day, installed the battery and have already annoyed Joe once, when he barked at the doorbell.  We are well on our way to imprinting his little conniving dog brain with WHEN DOORBELL RINGS, GO QUIETLY TO YOUR ROOM AND SIT THERE UNTIL THE BOSS SAYS OK.

The device works fine.  It’s the instructions that drove me to write this.  I know the thing was made in China, because there wasn’t a word of English on the box.  I’m a forgiving guy.  I’ll smile when I see an odd or misplaced phrase in instructions.  We’re all used to that.  But this little pamphlet is trying to make sure I don’t understand how to use the thing. It’s as if they know me, and are trying to push my buttons.  They could be related to my dog.  This is a piece of literature that should never have been written.

I don’t want you to think I made this up, so I’ll leave a picture of the instructions.  You will then know I have not lost my mind yet.

It’s titled Training Dog Banish Dog Maching.  I am still laughing over that because I cannot figure out what dog maching could possibly be.  There’s a photo of a happy dog with a leash in his mouth.  That’s not the expression Joe had when I punched the button on this thing.  Your dog is not going to grab the leash and be like “Please, please take me out for a walk so you can damage my ears!”

Here are just a few examples (and I’m quoting here):

• This product uses micro electronic technique and integrate multiple high-tech. The work pattern is pulse modulation scan which produce 12db ultrasonic wave and 28000 lime bast light.  This product is only valid for dog and cat (inaudible to humans)

I don’t know what most of that meant, but why is it valid only for dogs and cats?  Do rabbits and squirrels simply refuse to be annoyed by it?  I had thought about using it on them, but if they’re just going to stand there with their arms folded, I’m not putting myself through that.

• The button for expel can effectively expel dog and cat, the training button can produce weaker and stable ultrasonic wave to train pet dog, army dog and police dog to accomplish the particular action, the light button can be used for illumination.

I don’t know how you look at these things, but that seems offensive to any non-police dogs or dogs who haven’t served our country.  Is the Army using this thing exclusively?  And I didn’t buy this thing to expel my dog.  I don’t want to banish him or drum him out of the corp.  I just want him to behave. And what else could the light button be used for?  Introspection?  Weight loss?

• 9V Alkaline Battery. (This product don’t have battery)

It don’t have much use for proper grammar, either.

• Judge weather the trumpet is normal: use it to a piece of paper, press the dog expel button and watch the paper, if it swings, then the trumpet is normal.

Huh?  What? Trumpet? What does the weather have to do with it?  Apparently I’m supposed to check the forecast and stare at the paper, listening to Taps while Joe The Dog sadly leaves my home.

But here’s the one that made me fall out of my chair:

• Use it to the dog’s eyes and ears to reach the best effect.  Do not use it to the ear and eyes directly in case of injury.

I suppose I could take it outside each time the dog barks, and point it across the street at the neighbor dogs.  I’ve never liked them.